I know that breast is best and more than anything I wanted breastfeeding to work, but for us it just didn't. The first couple weeks were really hard and I was definitely suffering from some postpartum depression due to the breastfeeding issues.
Here is our breastfeeding story...
In the hospital the lactation consultant had come in to work with us and I thought we had it down or would at least figure it out once we got home. Part of the problem was that Rylynn would just sleep. And even if I got her to wake up and put her on the boob, she would take a couple suckles and then fall back into a deep sleep. Me being a first time mom and not knowing what was normal, thought that my baby just wanted to sleep and that she would let me know when she was hungry. Boy was I wrong.
The nurses at the hospital made us keep track of feeding times and recommended every 2-3 hour feedings. I had no idea how much colostrum she was getting, so when she would suckle a couple times and then fall asleep, I thought she was getting enough in her first hours of life.
At Baby-Ry's first appointment (two days after being discharged) she had lost a pound and I felt horrible. The nurse recommended undressing her to wake her up to feed and to make sure I was doing this every 2 hours. She also wanted us to come back the next day to make sure she was gaining weight and wanted us to continue to come back until she was back to her birth weight.
After our appointment I went home and tried to get Rylynn to breastfeed. Every time I put her to the boob it seemed like she hated it. She would just cry or she would take a couple suckles and then cry. Either way ended with us both frustrated and crying. By that night she was fussy and crying and I knew she had to be starving. I felt like a failure and my husband kept saying that we needed to give her some of the supplement we had received in the mail. As much as I wanted to feed my baby, I didn't want to give her formula. I was so determined to only give her breast milk and I kept beating myself up for not going to any breastfeeding classes or meetings. But as devastated as I was, I couldn't let my baby starve.
Once we gave her the formula supplement and she wolfed it down, I felt even more horrible because her huge gulps told me how hungry she was. I just bawled. The voice in my head was screaming FAILURE; for not being able to breastfeed and for failing as a woman and as a mom. Thank the good Lord for my husband because he was such a good supporter and reassured me that I wasn't a failure and that by actually feeding her, even if it was with formula, was better than not feeding her. And Baby-Rylynn's satisfied look after downing that ounce of formula warmed my heart.
The next day at her appointment we met with the lactation consultant. She recommended putting Rylynn at the boob and then pumping and doing this every 2-3 hours. She watched how Rylynn latched and wanted to see us back the next day to check her weight again. Once home, I opened my pump and watched the colostrum fill the Medela bottles. I was so excited to see all the colostrum and I couldn't wait to feed it to her. It gave me hope and excitement for our breastfeeding journey.
That hope was short lived, however. As much as I tried, it was like Rylynn didn't like having the nipple in her mouth. I figured it was either because of the size of my nipples or the fact that she was now used to the bottle nipples, or both. So I went out and bought a breast shield which worked great, at least at first. She was starting to stay awake and wake up for feedings on her own. She seemed to be enjoying breastfeeding and I enjoyed looking down at her sweet little face and loved feeling her warm baby-soft skin against mine.
I cut out the pumping because she would breastfeed for about 30-40 minutes each side and we were breastfeeding every 2-3 hours so it was tough to add in a pump session and I thought she was getting all my milk. We were still supplementing because it took over a week for my supply to come in and when it did it seemed low. I researched like crazy on increasing milk supply and made lactation cookies (delicious). I would eat 2 cookies every time before breastfeeding and eventually pumping.
Even though I was gaining weight ^^^ Baby-Ry still wasn't gaining weight fast enough at her check-ups and they wanted us feeding every 1.5-2 hours. My nipples were so sore at this point and I had milk blebs, blisters and plugged ducts and mastitis, all of which are very painful. I stopped the breastfeeding during those painful times, especially with the mastitis because it put me in tears and only pumped. The pumping didn't hurt and that's when I knew that the nipple shield wasn't working anymore because Rylynn was only getting my nipple and not my areola in her mouth. Every once in a while I would try and take the shield away, but as soon as I did she would pull away and cry.
My decision to exclusively pump (EP) came after our last appointment with the lactation consultant. That was the last time I tried the breastfeeding/pumping schedule. It was so exhausting, I wasn't getting a break because I would breast feed for at least an hour, then pump for 40 minutes (just to get 1.5 oz) and clean all the pump parts, then it was time to feed her again. I was so depressed and wasn't enjoying motherhood or my baby. It felt like a chore and I hated feeling that way.
The good news was that Baby-Ry had put on enough weight and even though the lactation consultant recommended we come back a week later, we didn't. It was the best decision! I realized that the days I was most depressed were the days I had met with the lactation consultant, who seemed to give me the same advice over and over, which wasn't working for us. So I followed my motherly-instincts and gave up breastfeeding and stopped waking my baby for feedings. I knew that Baby-Ry knew when she was hungry and wasn't afraid to let us know. We could tell that she was gaining weight and seemed to be a very happy and satisfied baby.
with.love
ashley
